but does he use people with out much of one? of course i know God can use anyone, it’s just something i’ve been thinking about for a while.
a few months ago, i got together for coffee with someone i didn’t know very well. we both kind of shared our life stories to each other, and at the end of mine, she said. “wow. you had a perfect life.” i felt a sick feeling in my stomach. i didn’t even know how to respond. see, it brought up feelings in me that have been there for a long time. for those readers who don’t know me well…
i grew up in a christian home. my dad was a pastor and my mom stayed at home. they had (and still do) an amazing relationship with each other and with Jesus. i have an older sister, a younger brother and a younger sister. i met my husband in kindergarten, and we started dating in high school. we went to college together, got married and have 2 healthy, amazing boys. we are debt-free. we don’t have any major health issues. and sometimes, to be totally honest, i feel almost guilty about it. and not only that. i feel like i can’t be used of God like so many other people can. now don’t misunderstand me here. i am fully aware of the awesome power of my Father. i know that he can and DOES use anyone. i also know that at this point, so many of you are saying – you are lucky you didn’t have to go through what i did, you should be thankful. i am. but just think about it from my perspective for a minute.
i have always had a huge burden for youth. i have a heart for young girls that are hurting. i have a heart for foster kids and orphans, i have a heart for single moms, i have a heart for the broken and the weary. and i mean, i really have a burden and heart for them. i have dreams all written out on paper with plans to open a home for foster kids. i have it named, and worked out. i have already called who i have to call to start foster care classes. i have counselled friends who are or have been single moms. i have worked at 2 different crisis pregnancy centers, and i already have the plans written out to start my own pregnancy center. so don’t get the picture that i am either rubbing in that i have had a good life, or that i don’t plan to do anything for God with my life. i am currently involved in a lot of ministries that involve a lot of different kind of people. and i am not trying to rub anything in.
so many times i keep feeling like, God can’t use me. i know it’s the enemy talking, but it FEELS so true! (ugh. those blasted feelings! the heart is deceitful people!) a few years ago, adam and i had taken a group of teens on a missions trip. one night, just the girls were together. i looked at them and realized 5 of the 6 girls had no relationship with their father. either they didn’t even know who he was, or he had walked out on them. i felt overwhelmed. i have a very close relationship with my dad. how can i relate to them?? they are going to know that i can’t fully understand their problems!
you can look anywhere in the Bible and see people that God has used that have had broken hearts and lives. people who either made bad choices (rahab, the apostle paul) or had bad things happen to them (job) and God used them in spite of it all. everywhere you look, people are reminding you that no matter how far you’ve gone, how much pain you are in, God can use you. i started reading a book from a well known author (who i actually really love) and had to stop reading it, because the entire first chapter was sharing how much pain she had been through and God is still using her. so the same will be true for me. of course this is not a bad thing that she was sharing this!! but i was automatically not included in the people group she was speaking to.
all the well known speakers and authors are people who have been through it all and are now sharing. i’m not criticizing them. at all.
i am just saying. there HAVE to be more people than ME who have been blessed with a “good” life. not to say i don’t have my own problems. of course i do, and i have. i have had my fair share (not sure who determines how much a fair share is) of being hurt by people, to the point that i have started to wonder what is wrong with me! i have had my times of not knowing how we were going to get food on the table. i have had my times of just downright sinful feelings of self-pity and sadness. but i have not had the loss of a parent, sickness of a child, or abuse of any kind. does that mean that i don’t have a voice worth being heard? everyone wants a speaker with a story, right? you know, to make all those people feel like you know where they’ve been. but i DO feel like i have things to share. i am not trying to sound like i am whining here. i have just been thinking about this, and haven’t even really known how to express it!
God can teach through blessings as well as through pain. i don’t have a “past”. but i do have an amazing, forgiving God who gave his life for ME! He is teaching me so much that i just want to share. i am always learning about ways that i need to grow. my prayer is that the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in the Lord’s sight. even typing that hurts a little. the meditation of my heart? maybe i have even been meditating on this for too long! it’s not about ME. i need to decrease, and Jesus must increase. i know this. and i am not giving up on life or anything even close to that. i am not even discouraged! but please just hear my heart. it is still hard for me to feel like i have much to offer besides a nice smile and a listening ear.
i am a daughter, sister, wife, mom, friend, and probably enemy to some. i am ok with that. i am a sinner that needed a Savior, and when i got that Savior, i got an amazing, powerful, living book that gives me everything i need to share with anyone i can.
thank you to all my friends who have read this. you have given me a place to share my heart, and that feels good.
to my friends who have had very difficult pasts due to either bad choices, or no fault of your own…thank you for your encouragement to me and your example of living for God regardless of your past. thank you for showing me the way that God can forgive, or the way God can heal! you are an inspiration to me, and i really mean that.
to my friends who have had a life with no real “past”. keep hanging in there with me! help me to see the ways that we can be used in great ways for God!! that is my desire. for my voice, my actions, my money, my LIFE to bring glory to God.