I cried at the receptionists desk today.
Me. The one who hardly cries, the one who can hold things together just fine.
It started out as a great day.
I got up. Read my Bible. Had my cup of coffee and got ready to start the day.
Dealings with the littlest led to feelings of frustration, and feelings of frustration led to reminders of my bank account.
And then the receptionist at the clinic asking me how the weather was outside is what made me start crying.
It made no sense, really.
She wanted to know if it had gotten hot outside, and I had everything I could do to answer her question.
I kept saying in my head,
“Rachelle! Pull yourself together. Answer her question. What is the matter with you? Is it hot or is it stinking not?”
And so I managed to say, “It’s pretty warm” and then she looked up from her computer, saw my eyes welling up and stopped…
“Oh my goodness, are you ok?”
She was really sweet actually. And she tried to then talk about her kids and her grandkids to get the subject changed, luckily.
I was fine. I was going to be fine, and I wasn’t going to start ugly crying or anything. It was just enough to make it awkward.
But I was amazed at how quickly my thoughts were running through my head.
It wasn’t the question about the weather, but suddenly I was thinking about some things that have happened recently…
It was like they were on rapid-fire shooting into my brain.
And before I even had time to process one, and reason out why it was fine, a totally different thing was shooting into my brain that I was then piling on top of all the other things and for a minute, I felt like I had completely lost control.
It was like…why is there no money in my account? Why am I crying over this? Am I too stressed because I’ve been up in the night with a 7-year-old all week? Am I even able to be the best mom I can be to a third child? Am I even being a good mom to my older kids? Why are all these thoughts running through my head? And thinking of running, why haven’t I been running? Why have I let myself get so fat? Why am I so vain to be thinking about my body? I’m like a teenager. And thinking of teenagers, what are we going to do when we have to open the porch in a few weeks and we have NO place to open it?
I AM NOT JOKING…this is my brain.
Tell me other women out there feel me!!!!!!
I managed to text my mom and ask her to pray for me, and managed to text Adam and thank him for being the leader of our family even though I felt like I was going to lose it.
And somehow, I got through the signing my kids in process and moved on.
If you know me at all, you know how I roll.
I am pretty level-headed and virtually the same all the time.
I would not describe myself as calm, by any stretch, but I don’t get shaken easily.
I think that’s why I was now adding irritation-with-myself-for-losing-it-emotionally to the list of things shooting into my brain.
I could type out all the things for you to see.
They are not even really closely related to each other, but they are just a whole lot of things that are piling up.
I will spare you, because I know that I’m not the only one who has “all the things”.
But it made me realize something about myself.
I don’t like when I am out of control of a huge amount of situations.
I feel like I can handle one or two things that are out of my control, because I do absolutely believe that God is in control.
But it seems like there are just so many things completely out of my control right now, and I am left to…
And not trust + work.
But just plain trust.
And it’s harder than I imagined it could be.
My naturally tendency is to deal with a problem by researching, planning, and figuring the daylights out of it.
But at this moment, I feel like I’m just supposed to trust + nothing else.
I’m not the only mom, am I?
I’m not the only mom who has lost it over someone asking you what the weather is?
I’m not the only mom who knows that I have more than I could ever ask for in my life, but still feel confused about so much, am I?
I started my day by reading Daniel.
Shadrach, Meshach Abednego are asked to bow down to the King’s statue.
They say no way, Jose.
He says – Oh no they di – n’t, and command the guards to throw them in the fire…
to which they reply…Our God, who we serve, is able to save us easily.
But if he doesn’t, we will still keep right on serving Him.
You know why they could say that?
Because they believed that God was good. Period.
Not that God + work.
That God + perfect circumstances.
God is good.
God is always good.
And it’s funny, because I was speaking at Surge a couple weeks ago about how God always hears, God always sees, and God always delivers.
But my first reaction to things being out of my control?
Is God even hearing me? Does God even see what is going on? Will God come through and deliver me this time?
And the answer?
Yes. Always, yes.
Because He is God and he is good.
So God saw my tears today, he heard my prayers and he continues to deliver.
Because that’s who He is.
And if I’m not the only mom who is dealing with emotions, feelings, tough circumstances?
Then you needed to hear that too.
God hears you, sweet momma.
He sees you and He promises to deliver.
Keep holding on.
And keep a package of tissues in your purse…just in case.