When you’re not the cool kid: 5 practices that will make you ok with that.

I am sitting here in the airport writing this and it’s hard to hold back the tears. I thought I would be past this by now. I am a grown adult. Married. Have children. Why do I have to still feel like I just.don’t.fit.in?

Let me back up a little bit. I started writing this in my journal 2 years ago.

I was on my way back from being at a women’s conference that I had attended for several years as just an attendee, but this year had attended as a speaker.
Now to explain it a little better, there are varying levels of speakers.
There are the “big time” speakers, and then there are the rest of us.
Ya know, the ones who can speak, who have accomplished a lot in life, but not in the form of writing a book, or having an instagram following of over 50k.
I was honestly quite surprised at the air that some of the people had about them, and how one of the speakers had started her talk by showing a picture of herself, followed by “I’m sure all of you have seen this picture on the internet.”
Um. I hadn’t. So it was kind of hard to even hear the rest of the talk.

It’s funny how things that happen as a grown woman can bring back feelings and memories of childhood, high school days and even college days.
I was never the cool kid.
I mean, I wasn’t really the dorky kid.
I just didn’t really fit in with any “group”.
I wasn’t the athletic girl (although I had grown up playing men’s league basketball with my dad in middle school)
I wasn’t the smart girl, and basically no matter how hard I worked, I got average and just above average grades.
I wasn’t the party girl, but I did love to go out.
So I just kind of. Was.
I was just Rachelle.
And that’s it.
And as I sat in the middle of an airport, watching 3 women who had just been at the same week long conference as me talk and laugh, while I sat alone, it brought it all back.

The feelings of wondering what fitting in even meant.
What did that mean?
Actually, what does that mean?
Fitting in to what?
Who sets the bar?
Who determines what I’m fitting into?

And it hit me that this is not just a problem for the 13-year-old girl walking into a cafeteria.
This is a problem for anyone. At any age. At any stage of life.
We want to feel like we fit in.
We want to feel like people like us, and like we are “cool.”
We want to feel like we matter.

I wanted to talk to you.
That girl.
You know who you are.
The one who feels like you’re totally normal, nice, and fun to be with, but you just don’t seem to fit in.
The teenager who isn’t really fitting into any group at school.
The college age girl who doesn’t fit into any club,
And the grown adult, who feels like you should be over this feeling by now!!

I want to give you 5 steps to being totally ok with that.

1. Know who you are.
You belong to God.
The God of the universe has called you by name, and has chosen you to be His.
And he thinks about you all the time! According to Psalm 139, the thoughts he thinks towards you are more than the sand of the sea!!
He’s literally just sitting up in heaven, looking down at you with adoring eyes and thinking about you.
Thinking about how He created you. Thinking about all the plans He has for you.
Thinking about how beautiful you are. Thinking about how much He loves you.
THAT is who you are.
You are His.
You are his baby girl, and He wants you to never forget that.
It doesn’t matter who else thinks about you, who else talks to you, or doesn’t talk to you.
God thinks about you.
God speaks to you.
That, girlfriend, is who you are!
You are His.
And you are perfect just the way He made you.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

2. Know your strengths and surround yourself with others who are like you.
See, the enemy wants you to feel like you are alone.
Like no one else is like you, like no one else would get you or understand you.
But that’s just not true.
God created us as relational people! That is why, after he made Adam, he realized that Adam needed someone to be with!
There are people out there who are like you.
Know what your passions and gifts and strengths are, and then start being confident in who you are and find people who will get you.
Church family is so important, because ultimately, when you find people who are passionate about serving Jesus?
A lot of the other details don’t matter!
Join a small group, a youth group, find some people to just get together to talk to, to pray with.
This will make it not matter if you’re the cool kid or not.
You find your people. They are out there.
And let the other ones go. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
They gotta go…in Jesus name. 😉

3. Fill your mind with truth.
Everything starts with this.
If you start letting yourself go down the path of woe, it’s hard to get back on track!
Everything starts with your thoughts.
If you are finding yourself with feelings of discouragement or being down on yourself, stop everything.
Change your thoughts.
Once you change your thoughts, it will affect how you act, and when you start acting the way God wants, you start feeling better!
It’s amazing what happens when we get that in the correct order.
I can’t take my feelings, act on my feelings, and have my thoughts follow.
We need to take control of our thoughts, which will affect your actions, which impact your feelings!
If you want to feel better, start with your thoughts.
Don’t focus on the negative.
Focus on the positive.
Write out verses that remind you of you are.
That you are God’s.
That you are more than a conqueror.
That you are chosen.
That you are loved.
Carry them with you, hang them up in your house, fill that mind with truth, sister christian!

4. Push yourself.
This goes along with number 2.
Once you realize who you are, know your strengths and have filled your mind with truth, you need to get out of your comfort zone.
You just do.
Reach out to someone you respect and admire and ask them to start a Bible study with you, or ask them to pray for you, or to keep you accountable.
Start going to church if you aren’t already.
Don’t let yourself just sit around and feel sorry for yourself.
Do the hard thing.
Push yourself.
Set short goals for yourself…I will go to church every Sunday for a month.
I will go to a Bible study just this one week.
Take yourself out of your comfort zone.
I love the saying that if you want you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done.
Start now, and push yourself to be better.

5. Fill your mind with truth.
I know, I know.
This was number 3.
I can not emphasize this one enough though.
Everything starts with what you think about which is why it’s so important to pay attention to what you are putting in your brain!!
Listening to certain people, reading certain articles, following certain people on social media…
These things are all affecting how you act and therefore affecting how you feel.
Don’t forget that.
Be willing to take inventory of what you are filling your mind with and just get rid of the crap that doesn’t need to be there!
We have so much power over the way we feel, but we tend to blame everyone and everything else on it.
Take responsibility and do what you can do.
Sure, there are going to be some people and things you hear that you don’t have control over.
But the ones you can? Do something about it.

This little list is a list I made for myself.
I actually follow several of these people on instagram who make me feel small, and just recently I had to unfollow some of them.
I just couldn’t get over the feeling of not being cool enough.
It looks silly even writing that.
But it’s honestly the truth.
These women made me feel small, insignificant and like I wasn’t quite as big-time as them.
I mean, maybe it is true.
But then I just finally got to the point where I had to be like…why do I care?
Why do I care?
I don’t know.
It’s so interesting being married to a man who just does not care what people think about him.
It must be such a free kind of life.
He is who he is, take him or leave him…that’s pretty much his attitude.
I realize that it’s being content, really.
Content with where you are, content with who you are and content with where God has placed you.
And this doesn’t mean that you don’t still push yourself to do bigger and better things, not at all.
This year I am going to write a book.
I have already started it.
But whether or not it sells a lot or not, it shouldn’t impact how I feel about myself.
Right?
It is still all about taking those thoughts captive and realizing this:
The opinion God has of me, is the only opinion that matters.